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Bring me round for Christmas dinner? I’m lonely. We could share some London thrillers. Music or chess... I’m a top player. Countless hilarious anecdotes to forget the recent political trials. I could pleasure your spouses if the heat’s been lost. On another note, I’d appreciate some venue...

I’ve somehow convinced a yat to go out with me. She’s an arty fatty type and I (stupidly) suggested art galleries. She loves the saatchi in London so obviously we’re heading there. Problem is I know fuck all about art galleries!! I’m really trying to get a grasp of the kind of stuff I would...