droid

Beast of Burden
That is why I said it is temperamental. That is why it will never be fixed.

Well yes, it is temperamental, thats true.

As to whether or not it will ever be fixed, ask yourself why, despite the occasional flare up in the past, this has only become a consistent problem in the last 5 months or so.
 

luka

Well-known member
Well first of all i wasn't aware that it had become a particular problem in the last five months, and secondly, if that is the case, I have no idea why that might be. What are you suggesting?

The way I remember it it was way worse 10 years ago
 

droid

Beast of Burden
IMO there has been a significant shift in your attitude and behaviour since late last year, I couldn't be arsed digging up quotes, but you've hinted at this yourself. You've been less flexible, less emphatic, less capable of pulling back from the brink, shifting more into outright abuse and bullying, and dare I say it, egomania.

In the olden days virtually everything you said enraged me.

lol, I think this could be applied to half the people here. And yet somehow you managed to mostly handle your rage with grace.
 

luka

Well-known member
I don't think there's ever been a time when I wasn't an egomaniac. As a rule thigh, the worse I feel about myself the less egotistical I am. According to my data I've been on a downward slide since spring last year, becoming less egotistical the less certain of myself I become.

I often think I am God and it's been, as I say, at least a year since I felt that way. When they built the 5G towers on my roof things got a lot worse. I started having bad headaches and I couldn't sleep etc. Felt like I was under constant psychic attack. I would say that peaked in December.

There are a string of threads which indicate I was picking up bad things on the radar eg

Are we frightened

Willing on the catastrophe

The coming authoritarianism

Etc

So there have been bad vibes but the thing that has really put me on edge here specifically has been Thirdform. I don't blame him or want to reignite that feud. I like him. He's usually great but that was the thing which really threw my equablibrium off. No offence third if you read this, but that's what happened to me as Barty will tell you I was tearing my hair out about it for a very long time. The hair I had left.
 

luka

Well-known member
So when everybody was acting like I had no reason to lose my rag and that It had just come out the blue as a "psychotic episode" as baboon put it I was very upset. Again, no offence to third, he doesn't hold grudges and nor do I but his behaviour made it impossible to complete the work that I had started here.

I don't care if that sounds irrational to you or anyone else. Don't try and talk me out of it cos that was my experience.
 

droid

Beast of Burden
Again, no offence to third, he doesn't hold grudges and nor do I but his behaviour made it impossible to complete the work that I had started here.

This is the root of the problem. This is a community with real living people who have feelings and thoughts and desires of their own. They are not simply components who impede or contribute to a project, to be managed and then disposed off on a whim or when their usefulness ends.

I think you used to understand this, and in fact any kind of group work depends on a healthy and functioning community. Let go of that megalomaniacal urge to control and you might be surprised at what happens.
 
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luka

Well-known member
I'm very disappointed that you think that is adequate. Shocked and disappointed.
 

luka

Well-known member
I thought we might be getting somewhere for a minute but I was wrong. I'll try and ignore you for now.
 

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
"There was no homophobic banter". Really, come on, Luka. That's just gaslighting. I just don't like it, it makes the space feel non-inclusive, and I would like it to be as inclusive as possible.

As to the rest...the thing is, your studied, patronising coldness and that split-off part of you that allows you to treat people terribly, does more damage to you than to me. Massive creative adjustment (ask Barty, his Dad's a Gestaltist, right?)

BUT here's the twist...

You cited temperamental differences when you were haranguing Droid... it's amusing how wrong you are, actually.

We both obviously - could anything be more obvious? - had a critical parent or parents, and have a very critical voice as a result of that that comes out both at others and at the self. There may well be lots of differences in degree and detail, but broadly speaking, I find you so fucking annoying because I *recognise* that part (duh - this really is therapy 101). I don't care if you believe me or not. I know from my own experience that it leads to a weakened central ego and a split-off part that can be an absolute cunt to other people and to the self - I know that like I know my own hand. I accept that part of why I am so annoyed is that that part exists in me too, and I dislike it.

But I also recognise the other, central, part of you, that's obviously not at all like that. And that's why I can't be *that* annoyed at you, ultimately. You're actually quite nice in person too, and I can vouch for that even if only a couple of times.

You can treat that with disdain if you like, but that would be your defences. What I have said will still be the truth, and you know it. This is dialogue like you wanted, getting down to the heart of the matter, not hiding behind intellectualism (too much).

Thanks Droid, Sufi, for kind words. Much appreciated.

I'm outta here if we can't be emotionally real with each other. What's the point of spending years in the same space otherwise? I'm so fucking bored of maleness and defensiveness right now.
 
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We both obviously - could anything be more obvious? - had a critical parent or parents, and have a very critical voice as a result of that that comes out both at others and at the self. There may well be lots of differences in degree and detail, but broadly speaking, I find you so fucking annoying because I *recognise* that part (duh - this really is therapy 101). I don't care if you believe me or not. I know from my own experience that it leads to a weakened central ego and a split-off part that can be an absolute cunt to other people and to the self - I know that like I know my own hand. I accept that part of why I am so annoyed is that that part exists in me too, and I dislike it.
....
I had a vision a few years ago horrifyingly vivid and unarguably 'true' in as much as it represented something real, of an aspect of myself represented as a cold, sadistic, hard face, just like mine can be sometimes in fact, kind of like Foucault's, with the bald head and glasses and trace of perversion-
and it was hovering above the other faces, as though there were a series of masks, and this the uppermost, and it represented the intellectualising aspect which detaches, which deliberately puts a screen between self and world, which treats perception as the scientist treats the frog he's dissecting. it is a self which is incapable, by design, of experiencing pleasure, hence the perversion and the sadism.”
 
Also interesting and intrusive observations on childhood. Is he right luka? And did anyone watch that Gabor mate video? Let’s get right the fuck into it lads we’ren going to heal each other remotely!
 

droid

Beast of Burden
Well not up to you, is it?

behind_curtain.jpg
 

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
Just for the record, Luka, if I spoke out of turn about parents, then I will wholeheartedly apologise. But I just can't be on here in this kind of pretend mode, where you get to be as horrible as you like, and we can't level with each other. That's a fucking game based on non-realness, and it's shit.

@Shiels - I'm right about me, that's all I know.
 
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