Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
Most of the porn I've watched has been lesbian, I'd say. No corporal agency for me to identity with; abstracted from the encounter entirely.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
More drawn to cunnilingus than fellatio, as a spectator, little to no discernible interest in anal penetration. Having grown up through high school with limitless free porn at one's fingertips, one may enter, understandably, a psychosexual freefall. In my case, quite a benign one, actually I suspect paradoxically healthy in some ways.

That said, I feel like a hostage of my own libidinal hardwiring. As I said upthread, if I could toggle libido on and off, it would be off 99% of the time, saving for situations not yet identified.

edit: switched "my" to "one's" for the sake of clarity. Speaking from experience, but in generics.
 
Last edited:

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
Do we have rules against posting pornographic content here? Imagery perhaps, things that can be discerned by members' children passing behind them, casting an innocent glance. I remember sufi's complaint against Mr. Tea's former avatar.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
Yeah I think I just got carried away by the theory. I do still find her presence attractive, as a friend, and I think she has a great body, and yet things didn't really add up to a full sum.

I would still be interested in exploring any potential sexual dimension of our relationship, but I also don't see much of a future there, due in no small part to her seeming substantially younger than I feel, hence my earlier mention of the prevailing sense of perversity I get when considering the prospects of sexual relations with women my age.

My only sexual engagement was with my boss, and she was 32 when I was 19, and in hindsight I was much more attracted to her personality than her body.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
What happened when you saw this girl? You weren't feeling it? But you had it in mind beforehand?
Also our social plans didn't leave much alone time, anyway. We sat in washington square park and talked about abortion and some other things, I mentioned Citizen's United v FEC as I have maybe four times in the last three days, and we then met up with another friend and his friends. Plus she was staying with her sister.

So even if my intentions had held their course, they would have been met by additional obstacles.
 

catalog

Well-known member
Did you tell her what you were feeling?

Might be worth trying to organise a proper date where you got time.

But I guess if you weren't feeling it, you weren't feeling it. At least in the beginning, it's important that you both wanna see one another, spend time with one another.

I wouldn't worry so much about the larger future, people can surprise you. But of course if you get a bad vibe a few times in a row...
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
I can't help but feel like a gnostic predator, albeit a benevolent one, even when I'm just running through this stuff in my head, yet alone when I am responding to actual normal humans.

But then again I am liable to cerebrally outpace reality in any number of directions, and we had a nice time yesterday. I have doubts she has sexual interest in me, despite my being attractive, but that in and of itself would not have stopped me from expressing such interest in her, if even just to put my cards on the table, as a gesture.

She may view me in a pseudo-brotherly fashion, seeing as we were friends early on freshman year. We may have kissed at some point, according to legend.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
Did you tell her what you were feeling?

Might be worth trying to organise a proper date where you got time.

But I guess if you weren't feeling it, you weren't feeling it. At least in the beginning, it's important that you both wanna see one another, spend time with one another.

I wouldn't worry so much about the larger future, people can surprise you. But of course if you get a bad vibe a few times in a row...
Maybe four years ago, before I had any sexual encounter to speak of, I made a desperate and somewhat bullheaded pass at her, albeit respectfully. My suggestion, during my visit to the college she had just transferred to, was that we enter a long-distance open relationship, which in hindsight was simply neither pragmatic nor erotic, but I suspect it set a certain tone.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
Actually I've bypassed my share of suitors, largely on the basis of intellectual discrepancy, which I have since come to reconsider the importance of, and largely on the basis of not even feeling like sexual engagement is even an authentic interest.
 

catalog

Well-known member
Actually I've bypassed my share of suitors, largely on the basis of intellectual discrepancy, which I have since come to reconsider the importance of, and largely on the basis of not even feeling like sexual engagement is even an authentic interest.
So you doubt your own authenticity? Everybody does that all the time. I wouldnt worry about it.

Trouble is, if you stop and think, you can tie yourself in knots.

Have you spoken about this with any of these girls? Or your friends?
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
But to answer your question yes, yet I doubt how well feelings were actually communicated, especially seeing how abstract I can be.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
I worry, but only transiently, which doesn't mean guts can't be wrenched in the moment, just that things reliably smooth out into ambivalence. I would like to understand feelings more, though, and that would seem to require actually listening to them in ways I may have never done.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
Hence the basis of this thread, really. Trying to better understand my feelings, largely as a means of better understanding feelings in general.
 

Clinamenic

Binary & Tweed
And as an occasion for a public therapy, tying into the prospects of the radically transparent public executive.
 
Top