This week's most embarrassing criminal

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Former model arrested after sunflower assault

Former model Paula Hamilton has been fined £400 for assaulting a policeman with a sunflower.

Hamilton, 52, launched the attack with the 14ft (4.2m) sunflower after police were called to her home near Slough, Berkshire, last September.

Hamilton, who denied the charge, rose to fame in a 1980s car advert and was in Celebrity Big Brother last month.

After the Aylesbury Magistrates' Court hearing Hamilton said she had been punished for being an "individual".

"My crime here today is because I have an alternative lifestyle," she said.

"I was giving a policeman a family flower, a crest, and yes, I had drunk a bottle of wine like Bridget Jones.

"We are all becoming robots."
 

Lichen

Well-known member
Former model arrested after sunflower assault

Former model Paula Hamilton has been fined £400 for assaulting a policeman with a sunflower.

Hamilton, 52, launched the attack with the 14ft (4.2m) sunflower after police were called to her home near Slough, Berkshire, last September.

Hamilton, who denied the charge, rose to fame in a 1980s car advert and was in Celebrity Big Brother last month.

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She came to spend the weekend at my house when I was a 12 or so. She bought an Adonis-like male model from Miami with her. He was vegan and I clearly remember a turd of his failing to flush in my loo - too buoyant with fibre?

He then sprained his ankle playing a gentle game of tennis.
 

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
I know, it's like an idea Charlie Brooker screwed up and threw in the wastepaper basket, isn't it?
 

crackerjack

Well-known member
One of the papers seemed to think it was all down to the Queen. She was the root of all evil, Joss played royal events, ergo Joss must die.

There's something in this, I feel.
 

mistersloane

heavy heavy monster sound
"In the diary, Mr Liverpool referred to Miss Stone, who gave evidence to the court on Tuesday, as "princess".

Other musical stars were listed in his notes, such as Dizzee Rascal, Eminem, Beyonce, Craig David, R Kelly, Chris Brown and Girls Aloud."
 

mistersloane

heavy heavy monster sound
One of the papers seemed to think it was all down to the Queen. She was the root of all evil, Joss played royal events, ergo Joss must die.

There's something in this, I feel.

Its definitely one way to do it, isn't it? Like killing a tree by chewing its bark.

"She also recovered a printout of a map of Devon, where the singer lives, that included the words: "Here Joss Stone.""
 

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
A PENSIONER was caught shampooing his privates on a bus after becoming irritated with his underpants.

Philip Milne, 74, was travelling from Bletchley to Bedford when he began to have some issues with his briefs and unzipped his trousers to 'use some shampoo to soothe his groin area' because he did not have his ointment to hand.

He was spotted by a mother and son who 'were chatting and heard there was something going on' and turned around to have a look, Bedford Magistrates' Court heard today (September 3).

Prosecuting Camille Gifford said: "In essence the defendant was masturbating while on the bus.

“He had his zip undone on his trousers and was rubbing his penis and his testicles."

Milne, of Water Eaton Road, Bletchley, had earlier been to the swimming pool when he was found applying the hair-care product on August 13.

Ms Gifford added: "He said he had some issues with some briefs he was wearing and he was using ointment to soothe the area.

"He says he became irritated but didn't have the ointment and instead used some shampoo to soothe his groin.

"The mother notified the bus driver who then notified the police and Milne was told to stay on the back of the bus.

"He said he wasn't masturbating and resented everyone else on the bus for ganging up on him."

Milne, who admitted guilt to the one charge of an act of outraging public decency, represented himself in court.

He said: "I'm not disputing what was done was wrong but bear in mind I thought I was being discreet."

Milne, who was described as 'semi-erect' during the act, added: "I was treated like a hardened criminal."


Magistrates fined him £75. He will also have to pay £85 court costs and a £20 victim surcharge adding up to a total of £180.
 
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