Falsehoods!

[STN]

http://billybullshit.com

A bloke at my sixth form claimed to have been in the car with his driving instructor on the way back from a lesson, when a kid ran out into the road. The instructor decided to deliberately mow the child down because he knew he couldn't get in trouble for it because it was the kid's fault for running out. Apparently the bereaved parents were fine about it.

More utter fiction please.

We may have already had a thread like this, now I think of it...

 

[martin]

1) Pat G claimed to have nicked a tube train from Mill Hill East station when he was 14. Swore blind he just jumped into the driver's compartment, shut the door and took the train to Finchley Central, where he was stopped by LU staff turning off the track (and presumably sent on his way with a clip round the ear).

2) When I was 12, this kid called Steve told me he had a 2-year old daughter. He got really pissed off and just glared at me for weeks for the crime of disbelieving him. We did become mates eventually (after a really half-arsed fight after maths), but he used to come out with all this constant crap, like how his uncle had produced 'Dark Side of the Moon', or he was seeing a page 3 model called Leslie who used to let him stay round her flat (he never gave her full name or explained who she was, cos 'I don't want you wanking over her'). Last I heard he was starting a band.

3) I knew a mad girl who claimed she was forced to have an abortion by an abusive ex-partner. Then one day she revealed she couldn't drink vodka shots, because that was how she'd lost the baby. The story used to crop up with depressing regularity, but the details always changed. '****'s baby' became a source of behind-her-back jokes, like, "Oh yeah, that time we got stranded on the moon base, and one of the space pirates shot me with a photon scrambler...and I lost the baby", etc

4) An older relative of mine claimed to have caught a pike in Ireland, using only a hook on a flimsy piece of thread from his shirt. Me and my siblings were informed that if we ever went to a pub in the village and mentioned we were related to the famous guy who caught the pike, we'd get free drinks all night.

5) The following is from a complete nobhead I used to work with - for the record, he was intensely uncomfortable around women, often blamed the fact he was prematurely bald and wore glasses for a lack of female interest and used to come out with the 'why does nobody want a genuine, caring guy' line all the time. Now this is him, upon getting his first ever g/f and having two pints at a Xmas work lunch.
"HEH HEH! YEAH, I'VE DONE MY FAIR SHARE OF FILLING MY BOOTS! I'M LOOKING TO SETTLE DOWN, MY WILD DAYS ARE BEHIND ME! WHAT ABOUT YOU - WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET A GIRLFRIEND, MARTIN? HEH HEH!"

Cue looks of WTF around the table. She cheated on him twice and then he went into a sullen "doesn't know what she's missed out on...yup...she'll end up all alone, then she'll realise...". Funnily enough she lost her flat so rang him back up saying, "I've made a big mistake", and he moved her in instantly. Still going, according to a 3rd party source. I also found out that he'd been telling everyone about all these weird, wacky things he'd seen when he went to Japan. I was really impressed cos they were all things, almost word for word, that I'd told him about from the time I went.

6) I once told a girlfriend I could speak French (she couldn't). She'd be like, "It's really sexy, just talk in French", so I'd be whispering all this shite like "le jambon et le tapis dans la boucherie, ce soir je voudrais un syndicat d'initiative" in her ear. She went mental when I told her the truth, years later.

I've seen bullshitology, alright.

 

[Mr. Tea]

I love Martin's last one, will have to try that one day.

On QI once Stephen Fry came out with some hilarious anecdote about his alleged Hungarian grandather's hilarious mispronunciated of the phrase 'pineapple upside-down cake', which was lifted word-for-word from the biography of a mental Hungarian mathematician I'd read a few years previously.

Stephen Fry, you massive liar.

 

[martin]

On QI once Stephen Fry came out with some hilarious anecdote about his alleged Hungarian grandather's hilarious mispronunciated of the phrase 'pineapple upside-down cake', which was lifted word-for-word from the biography of a mental Hungarian mathematician I'd read a few years previously.(

What a fraud. There's nothing worse than an unimaginative lie. Reminds me of some feckless marketing bloke who once told me his grandma's (or whoever's) dog used to say 'sausages'. Like that wasn't the most well known, shittiest 'That's Life' meme.

Another one that annoys me - Mike Oldfield claiming he was so poor when he recorded 'Tubular Bells' that he had to live on dogfood. What a load of crap. A tin of dogfood's 4-5 times more expensive than economy beans.

Actually, someone once told me this theory which may be a bit controversial and start a flame war, but it was that people who are adopted tend to be compulsive liars. Which would tie in with someone else I used to know...

 

[Dr Awesome]

I love Martin's last one, will have to try that one day.

Drop a casual "est-ce que je peux embrasser votre antilope?" into the conversation your having with the woman your about to seduce.

 

[luka]

my mates dad charles used to tell some good ones. he said he was a ships carpenter in the indian ocean and trained a 4 foot cockroach to carry his tool box. he said it followed him everywhere. he also had this postcard of a family of owls. he had cut the face out of the little owl and stuck a picture of his own (adult) face in its place and presnted this as evidence of having been abandoned at birth and raised by owls. he also had a alter ego, he would disappear into his bedroom and don a green tracksuit and reappear as 'truth reality activist' who was a superhero. i dont remember much else about it cos i was about 6 at the time.

 

[alex]

Martin the liar that told your story’s from Japan, is that the same guy who left his fb on in your work before who wrote all the insecure crap all over it? Can't remember on here where I read that story, either way it made me laugh!

 

[petergunn]

2) When I was 12, this kid called Steve told me he had a 2-year old daughter. He got really pissed off and just glared at me for weeks for the crime of disbelieving him. We did become mates eventually (after a really half-arsed fight after maths), but he used to come out with all this constant crap, like how his uncle had produced 'Dark Side of the Moon', or he was seeing a page 3 model called Leslie who used to let him stay round her flat (he never gave her full name or explained who she was, cos 'I don't want you wanking over her'). Last I heard he was starting a band.
.

when i was 6, on the first week of school, a kid called Steve told me Bumblebee from the Autobots lived at his house... untrue... yes, his father was an alcoholic truckdriver, but there were no robots that turned into cars at his house...

there were alot of wild liars around when i was a kid... at that age it's funny, b/c you are figuring out the world, so if someone says something crazy, it COULD be true, or they could be genuinely talking about something they misunderstand (re: THE HUMAN SEXUAL ACT), or they could messing w/ you, or they could be a big fucking liar, but you just can't be sure... i mean, when you're 7, how much do you know really?

 

[martin]

Martin the liar that told your story’s from Japan, is that the same guy who left his fb on in your work before who wrote all the insecure crap all over it? Can't remember on here where I read that story, either way it made me laugh!

The very same. His twattishness is staggering. I've been hearing some even better stories from ex-work colleagues recently, he's going for the 'cc the MD on every email' tactic now, and blaming all the graphic designers for things he forgot to tell them. Did I ever mention that he went on the porridge diet for a month, but denied it every time we took the piss? "No...I actually like porridge for lunch," he'd say while he was screwing his face up and eating Super Microwavable Oats or whatever at his desk.

I miss working there. This girl who managed international translations became his friend on FB purely so she could send us all status updates, the email subject heading was 'Cock du Jour'.

 

[droid]

There was this really creepy middle aged man on a back to work computers course I did once. His name was Albert, he was smelly, unshaven and quite possibly a bit mental. He used to look at porn during the course on tiny tiny windows which he'd scroll up and down to catch a few pixels of flesh at a time.

He was completely full of shit, but it was quite sad actually. Everytime anyone said anything he would make some outrageous claim. The only one I can remember at the moment is when someone started discussing ambient music and he insisted that Brian Eno was, in fact, his uncle.

 

[Lichen]

T Brian Eno was, in fact, his uncle.

He's an avuncular figure.

 

[Mr. Tea]

Robert Rankin* has a great story about bullshit and windups. Apparently his father, also called Robert, died few years ago and the vicar giving the sermon at the funeral had moved to the parish very recently. He'd started out with "Now I only knew Robert in the last few months of his life, but I feel that in that time I got to know him intimately, and he was good enough to confide in me some of the extraordinary details of his long and eventful life...", and then went on to talk about the dead man's incredible achivements, such as his single-handed circumnavigation of the globe, the time he led an expedition to deepest Arabia and discovered the ruins of a city lost for five hundred years, and so on. Rankin Jr. and all his dad's mates were sitting in their pews creased up with laughter, because every word of it was total bollocks that the vicar had swallow without question. I can just imagine him rocking with silent laughter, thinking "Nice one, dad!".

*for those who don't know, a British novelist who often writes in the style of a bloke-in-the-pub unreliable raconteur peddling shaggy dog stories

 

[BareBones]

this crazy straight-edge rugby player at my school used to peddle all these bullshit stories about how he'd gotten into a fight and beat the crap out of a bunch of guys. Obviously nobody was ever around to witness it, but none of us ever dared contradict him because he actually was fucking massive.

I imagine it's a pretty common lie to tell. But he did it so often, and with ever-increasing levels of embellishment, that the lies became more ludicrous each time. It always seemed to be self defence, like "i was coming out of yates's and these 5 guys started on me..." but he'd always revel in the idea of breaking someone's nose or legs or whatever. Basically, he was a hateful prick. He would say things like "any girl who gives a blowjob is a disgusting slut". The magnum opus was when he recounted the story of how he had been driving around with his straight-edge mates when they spotted a guy on the street who had apparently raped the girlfriend of one of the straight-edgers. So they drove up beside him really fast, and one of them leaned out the window with a baseball bat, and beheaded the guy with that baseball bat.

I know from facebook that he (the liar from my school, not the decapitee) is now a cage-fighter. And married.

 

[Sectionfive]

There was a rumour going round here for years that this lad from town's father was in Mungo Jerry.

Sometimes life was better before Google I suppose.

 

[PeteUM]

My mate George had three little falsehoods she told at primary school to make her sound more interesting:

a) Her dad wrote the theme music to Champion The Wonderhorse.
b) Her middle name was Louise.
c) She was Welsh.

Pretty crap bullshit, I'm sure you'll agree.

 

[mistersloane]

Ian Rosner is a lying toad. He says that the way you get a girl pregnant is you have to wait until she has space dust round her goolies and then you have to lick it off and then it happens. He's a lying toad, because that's gross.

 

[swears]

Was so disappointed when I finally saw Terminator 3 and it didn't have the women who shot bullets out of their tits whilst giving Arnie's robot penis a blowjob. Guess they'd edited out those scenes from the original "20 certificate" VHS my mate Ross had seen ten years previously.

 

[Mr. Tea]

Hahaha, that is some quality schoolboy bullshit right there, swears.

 

[luka]

2 scottish kids told me in great detail about the career of the WWF legend King Joe of the Jaffa Cakes who dominated the ring for a decade before been killed in a freak accident at the hands of Andre the Giant.

 

[luka]

who subsequenty was consumed by remorse and never ate a jaffa cake again.